


Noodlestone

by Amebaby, Mushroom_Writes



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Pool Noodles, based off a conversation in the cassunzel discord, bullshit, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24173920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amebaby/pseuds/Amebaby, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mushroom_Writes/pseuds/Mushroom_Writes
Summary: Rapunzel's long journey is about to come to an end, she's made it to the Pool Kingdom and the Noodlestone lies just in front of her.For the love of god, don't take this seriously.
Relationships: Cassandra/Rapunzel (Disney: Tangled), Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider/Rapunzel
Comments: 9
Kudos: 38





	Noodlestone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Cassunzel Server](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Cassunzel+Server).



> We're sorry, but also not really

Rapunzel looked in front of her, there it was, what her entire journey had been for, the noodlestone. Taking a step forward, a pool noodle was brought under her foot so she could walk, forming a long bridge of pool noodles. She approached the magnificent stone in all it’s glory. Every footstep accompanied by an echoey squeak as she stepped across the noodle bridge. Finally, after hardships and well fought battles, struggles and trials that she didn’t know she’d survive, she was finally here. 

The Princess turned to look at her closest allies. Eugene, her boyfriend and confidant. The vain bastard was looking at himself in a mirror because of course he was, and Cassandra. Amazing, beautiful, stunning, glorious Cassandra. The light of Rapunzel’s life. The girl rapunzel wanted to grow old with, the first face she saw in the morning and the last she saw at night. The lady who made her heart flutter and soar whenever they locked eyes, the woman who made rapunzel feel whole.

Man she sure was a good friend, huh?

Anyway raps said some sentimental stuff to Cass that we can probably all recite verbatim by now because that scene is permanently etched into our brains so I won’t bother saying it again.

So Raps hugged Cass in the most platonic way I swear Mr Disney no gays here, and then continued her journey towards the noodlestone. She reached a hand out as the noodlestone floated upword.

And then Cassandra snatched it, that bitch.

“Cassandra, what the fuck?” Rapunzel yelled, in heterosexual confusion.(Lesbians aren’t real)

“THE NOODLESTONE IS MY DESTINY, FUCK OFF” Cass screamed, not at all jealous of Eugene and Rapunzel’s relationship.

Cassandra screamed in agony as noodly fire erupted around her, the noodles surrounding the chamber began wiggling uncomfortably as the stone bent to its new and definitely heterosexual master. She plunged the little pellet into her chest with powerful determination, desperate to seal her fate and tread upon this new, spongy path.

Finally she looked up, several small pool noodles sprouting at her feet, she spoke.

“I tried to warn you, Rapunzel” She laughed “You shouldn’t’ve acted that gay”

Rapunzel watched on in horror as she realised her fatal mistake, one that had now not only cost her destiny, but her 100% platonic friend that she had no romantic inclinations towards whatsoever: she forgot to say no homo.

“W-what if I say no homo now?” Rapunzel pleaded “please it’s not too late!”

“Oh, then that’s ok. Sorry for freaking out.” Is what Cassandra would’ve said if she wasn’t such a bitch, instead she laughed coldly at the girl she totally didn’t stay up all night thinking about and said, “too late? Raps. I can’t remember what happens here in canon, so I’m just gunna run off now.” She said, determined.

God she may have been buff, but she sure was stupid.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” Said Eugene, who was still looking at his own face.

Cassandra ran past Eugene, and instead of knocking him aside with pool noodles, she decided to just straight up pick the guy off the ground and yeet him into the fucking void.

“Oh shit… My boyfriend who I’m very hetero for… Oh no…” Pathetically cried Rapunzel.

“It’s ok! I’m still alive!” Yelled out Eugene, to no ones merriment. “I’m just not gunna appear for the rest of this fic because the writers can barely think about what to do for me” he continued, not aware that this 4th wall bit had long since outrun its charm.

“Cass!” Rapunzel yelled, completely forgetting about Eugene, like the writers who don’t know how to end a joke.

Cass stopped running because she was in the hallway where the best song in the show begins dont @ me Nothing Left to Lose is overrated.

Excuse us as the writers fight over music.

You wanna fucking go? Crossing the line is way better.

Crossing the line does SLAP but the POWER in Nothing Left to Lose is G R E A T 

Excuse me, you wanna talk about power? How about the feeling of freedom and liberation we get in crossing the line??? Elsa crawled so Cassandra could run.

That is true, but what about the ANIMATION in Nothing Left to Lose too? They did NOT have to make the camera rotate fully around them AS THE CHARACTERS WERE MOVING but they DID.

Yeah ok I’ll admit that was pretty damn sweet but uh, THE BRIDGE? CASS CUTTING the bridge was not stunning??? Also her metaphorically burning her bridge coinciding with the lyrics is just so good, there’s way more depth in crossing the line than Nothing Left to Lose.

How about, we agree that the team is AMAZING and everything they produce is STUNNING?

Yeah ok I can work with that, let’s get back to this train wreck of a fic we’re doing.

Of course.

So Cass tries to fuckin uuuuuuh block raps from getting close to her by barring the pathway with noodles. But like. They’re noodles. Raps just pushes them out of the way and walks up to Cass.

“Ah fuck, didn’t consider that one” Cass sighed, like the dumbass she is.

“Cass hey why don’t you just uhhhhhhh talk and shit” rapunzel said, very in character and totally something she’d say in universe I promise I’m not just tired.

“Wait? No I won’t- ohfuckyoudidn’tsaywait” Cass sang “Uhhhhh, no we need the plot to go on” Cass runs off, but instead of making a bridge she summons a giant pool noodle and pole vaults over the gap.

“How the fuck did that even have the weight to- nevermind.” Rapunzel began, realising she fucked the lines up, she burst out crying and collapsed to the ground, dead. Haha just kidding could you imagine. No she’s just extremely fatigued. The rest of her crew round the corner and catch up with her, just in time to see Cass completely miss the other side of the canyon and plummet into the pit with goofy’s classic “yahahooo!” Scream.

“Shit, is she dead?” questioned Lance

As if to answer his question, Cassandra hovered into view, rotating the pool noodle so fast that it acted like a helicopter blade and flew her to safety, where she promptly flipped everyone off and dashed off into the night.

“Well what the FUCK are we supposed to do now?” Screamed Rapunzel. She stares at that gap for at least an hour until the next plot convenience happens.

The fuckin balloon piloted by ulf lands heavily on Eugene, who had just climbed his way out of the void and joined up with the rest of the team. Everyone immediately jumped into the basket thingy and took off back to corona before he could wake up and bog down the story anymore. Fucking Eugene.

They arrive back in Corona, but Cass had got there first because fuck the saporian bullshit, also Varian is redeemed again.

Oh thank god I was worried I’d have to come up with some stupid saporian arc. Ok good so uhh. Right. Cass’s revenge. Wait this means it’s Eugene’s birthday FUCK.

FUCK you’re right, uh. Let’s just say he crawled his way back.

Ok fine, they’re all back at corona in the main party room with all the decorations laid out for Eugene’s 26th birthday. Everyone is annoyed that he managed to survive, even Eugene. Rapunzel and Eugene share some banter about how he’s supposed to be 25, Edmund chimes in with how Eugene actually 26, Eugene gets self concious yada yada, we all know this shit, so Eugene is about to blow out the candles when…

Cass storms in and makes every lesbian watching very thirsty. “Gimme the fucking uhhhhh incantation scroll, raps.” She said, gayly.

“Bitch.” Replied Rapunzel, because that’s all she really needed to say. Unfortunately, this really pissed off Cassandra, who proceed to summon a really fucking long pool noodle, and bitch slaps the shit out of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel crumples to the floor, dead.

Cassandra looks the body of her former best friend who she was never gay for.

“Shit”

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations! You've lost braincells


End file.
